Unrequited Love

I had a close friend called David*. When I say close, I mean really, REALLY close. We hung out often and we were real buddies. How did we meet? He was my then-boyfriend’s friend. Whenever my then-boyfriend and I had an argument, I used to look for David and he was the only one in this world who seemed to care.

Honestly speaking, I did develop some feelings towards him but I knew nothing could ever blossom for it was nothing more than an unrequited love.

This went on between us for a really long time. He was there for me and I was there for him whenever we needed someone to be there for us.

I had a boyfriend, then another and so did he. But still, we stood by each other knowing that we will always be there for each other until one day…

I was having trouble with my current relationship and so was he. After having a few drinks, he told me that me he has feelings for me, for a long time now. I, who was not on my best state of mind did not avoid this confession but confessed my true feelings I had of him. This was when our friendship flew out the window.

I knew that he was still in love with his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend (at that time, I did not know if they were still attached) and although he did tell me that he likes me and that he wants to be with me, somehow… my intuition was telling me that he was still seeing the other girl.

Things went from bad to worse; from surreptitious get-togethers to bedrooms.

After a month, he told me he has yet to really break up with the other girl; I’ve had enough of the baloney and told him we needed to quit this bullshit. Not surprisingly, he agreed. My, did I feel used! He was a trusted friend of mine and I just could not believe it that this is happening to us. We were supposed to be friends!

We were not in talking terms for a long time since that day when I ended our “relationship”. A few days ago, he called.

Not understanding his true reasons for calling, I chatted with him as though nothing has happened in the past. We updated each other on our lives and I didn’t realize how much I missed this friend of mine. But then, I had to remind myself that the true friend I once had in him is no longer there. He is a different person now. Soon, we got off the phone.

Last night, he called again and this time, he was drunk. He started saying things about how I have always been the one there for him whenever he needed someone, and now I was the only one who truly cared for him since day one and basically about how I was the ONE.

I couldn’t understand half the things he was mumbling to himself but in my head, there was only one thought. He’s looking for someone to sleep with tonight. And I just couldn’t take the pain I felt in my heart. Once upon a time, I would have believed wholeheartedly without a doubt that he REALLY needed someone to hear him out. Now, there is this voice in my head will always be telling me to beware of his “true” intentions.

I truly regret.

I regret choosing to have him to call my own for just a moment in time when I somehow knew that a real relationship was far from beginning. If only I had chosen otherwise, at least I may still have a true friend whom I will still be able to love as I did before even if he is never to know the truth about my feelings.

*Name has been changed to protect the identity of the subject

With Love Comes Pain

Deep down inside, I truly love him. But I wished he was of a different religion. If it was not for his religion, we would probably be married with kids now.

I know that he loves me with all he’s got and because I know we can never be, I’m afraid to give him all of me. Yes, it is selfish of me not to give him everything but nevertheless, he is the one person I’ve ever truly loved.

B is a very good friend of mine. And there are times when he just makes me feels so “at home”; he makes me feel so comfortable by just being myself. It’s not that my current loved one makes me feel as though I can’t be myself but I will have to change. There are many things I will need to let go of which sometimes I do feel rather tied down.

I’m so confused but yet I don’t really know why I should be because I already have the answer within my heart.

We can never be. We will never be.

Love is a great feeling but with love, comes the greatest pain.

Is This Called Cheating?

I have a boyfriend and I love him. In fact, we love each other very much but there is one big problem. We cannot be together for long. My family cannot accept him. And I love my family too much to give up on them. That is why I believe that the right thing for me to do is to let go of this relationship, but not until we’re being pushed to the very edge of the cliff.

At the same point of time, there is this other person which seems to have gotten a little hold of my heart. It is still unclear to me if the feelings that is contained within me for this other person is real or just temporary. I’ve felt this way for the very same person before but in the past, I managed to push the feelings aside. Now, the feelings are back.

In my heart and in my mind, I do not know if I should ever think of taking this friendship between me and the other person another level higher. First of all, we’re good friends. Really good friends… and I just don’t want to risk the chance of not being able to be friends at all. Well, I’m the sort of person that looks really far into the future. I cannot help but think of both positive and negative effects to my future based on my present choices.

I’ve taken too many risks and failed too many times. I’ve risen after a fall and fell again and risen again. Steps I have taken once too many for me to continue going through them over again and again. I’m no longer the young girl with a carefree heart that I once knew. In the company of many, I still try my best to act as though many things are fine with me and that I am getting along with my problems really well. But the truth, nobody knows. Only the readers of this blog and myself.

Day in and day out I think about this other person. Let us call him “B”.

Everything I do, everywhere I go I think about him. Even with I’m with my boyfriend I still think about B. But at the same moment of time, I do not know if I want to have anything more than just friendship with him. B has been a real good friend and a great hangout buddy and I don’t want to lose that just yet.

I need help and I need it soon. I’m going out of my mind!

Thoughts@5.00am

How can I handle the love I feel towards someone
when that someone is not the person that I am with?

How can I think of someone far away
when I am supposed to be thinking only of the person next to me?

How can I love two people at the same time?

How can I be so confused with life, love and with myself?

How does the wants and needs in life be entwined so closely together
till all that is left is a grey line
that separates these two similar yet extremely different things?

How can I go on with life
when my life is holding me back from moving forward?

How am I supposed to end a relationship with a loved one
due to the disapproval of another loved one?

How can someone weigh the love of different kinds?

How can I differentiate which is more important than the other
when they all fall under the same category of love?